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If Judo Players Ruled the World
by Neil Ohlenkamp
If Judo players ruled the world...
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After every tournament the competitors would get a chance to randori with the referees.
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There would be 385 different belt colors, so you could get promoted just for coming to a class.
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Only sports that can be done barefoot would be allowed on TV.
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Brazilian Jiujitsu students would all develop a painful rash on their backs so they would have to fight standing up.
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The victors in any athletic competition would get to body slam the losers.
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Judo would be a professional sport, and you'd get paid per fall.
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Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
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A referee's vocabulary would be limited to "Hajime" and "Ippon".
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Mats would stay clean by themselves.
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To increase training opportunities, bars and nightclubs would be required to have mats.
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Judogis would be acceptable business attire and everyone would have to wear them.
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The old instructors would all be 40 years younger so you could really see how good they are.
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It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
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Breaking up would be a lot easier. One successful choke would do it.
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Your opponents would always weigh less than your little sister.
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The TV show "Cops" would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
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